Grace in the Rearview Mirror
Grace in the Rearview Mirror
We are honored to have the Reverend Mary Luck Stanley, Episcopal priest and newly-published co-author of "Grace in the Rearview Mirror," which offers perspectives on finding God in the everyday, from four women Episcopal priests who are married to Episcopal priests.
Highlights
00:00 Grace in the Rearview Mirror
00:00 Intro
01:13 How the Book Came into Being
02:53 Theme of the Book
05:46 What Have You Learned from this Experience?
11:32 How It Felt to Recall Painful Memories
14:50 Deeper Understanding of God
17:34 Book Groups and Questions
19:48 Writing and a Personal Journey
22:41 Sources of Inspiration
23:46 Where to Get the Book
23:59 Authors Will "Zoom" to Your Book Group
25:01 Thanks
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Mary Luck Stanley graduated from Texas A&M and the Church Divinity School of the Pacific. She has been an Episcopal priest since 1997 and is currently serving as co-rector of Old St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Baltimore. Mary is one of four co-authors of the book, "Grace in the Rearview Mirror: Four Women Priests on Brokenness, Belonging, and the Beauty of God."
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Transcript
Welcome to Good News, being brought to you by Listening for Clues.
Lauren:We are Lauren Welch and Jon Shematek.
Lauren:Deacons in the Episcopal Diocese of Maryland.
Jon:We sure are.
Jon:And we've got some good news for you today.
Jon:We're bringing you some good news from the Reverend Mary Luck Stanley.
Jon:She is the co rector of Old St.
Jon:Paul's Episcopal Church in Baltimore, Maryland.
Jon:Mary graduated from Texas A& M and the Church Divinity School of the Pacific
Jon:Mary is one of four co-authors of the book, Grace In the Rear View Mirror;
Jon:Four Women Priests on Brokenness, Belonging, and the Beauty of God.
Jon:Welcome, Mary.
Jon:We're so glad you're here with us today.
Mary:Well, thank you.
Mary:It's an honor to be with you, Jon and Lauren, and thank you for inviting me.
Lauren:We're really
Lauren:happy to have you, Mary.
Lauren:To get started, and I know that you all talk about this in your book, but
Lauren:what inspired the writing of this book?
Mary:Oh, thank you for asking.
Mary:I was part of a clergy colleague group.
Mary:And I was actually paid to be the mentor through the Thriving in Ministry program
Mary:that was sponsored by the Lilly Foundation and Virginia Theological Seminary.
Mary:And we were all over the country, so we were meeting on Zoom.
Mary:This is before the pandemic and before people knew how to use
Mary:Zoom, so it was very exotic.
Mary:And we had one in person gathering, a retreat.
Mary:And at that gathering, We shared our spiritual autobiographies with each
Mary:other as a way of reflecting and getting to know each other more deeply.
Mary:One of the things that we also did was to develop people's learning goals.
Mary:And lo and behold, three of the clergy in the group had the
Mary:learning goal of writing a book.
Mary:And I felt responsible as the mentor, and because I, I do write, I said, Oh,
Mary:okay, well I'll help you write this book.
Mary:And I never thought it would get published.
Lauren:So that was a surprise, huh?
Mary:It was a surprise, and we wrote together for several years, and my writing
Mary:coach helped us with editing, and we, we did meet one other time to have a writing
Mary:retreat, and talked about the theme of our book, but in a way, we all wrote, and
Mary:the theme emerged, so we were really happy that it came together toward the end.
Lauren:Can you talk about the theme of your book and how that evolved?
Mary:Yes we really wanted to write a book that would invite people to see
Mary:God at work in their everyday lives.
Mary:We started with a conversation about how every human being really yearns.
Mary:To have encounters with something greater than themselves the sacred and or call it
Mary:a higher power You know God if you will and so We really wanted to try to write
Mary:some stories that would help people to see you know God is in the ordinary as much
Mary:as in the extraordinary and the obvious
Jon:Yeah, and so Mary that sounds like something that is kind of a universal
Jon:Need or a universal theme for people.
Jon:The reason I'm saying that in your subtitle there's Four women Priests and
Jon:I think as I wrote in my review of your book I'm neither a woman nor a priest
Jon:nor am I married to a priest and so you And your co authors are all Episcopal
Jon:priests married to Episcopal priests.
Jon:Is that right?
Mary:Yes, and we all have children and so we did think that we had a particular
Mary:voice A particular contribution and we really took seriously that there are lots
Mary:of theologians and really everyone's a theologian when you talk about God, but
Mary:that a lot of the theologians in the past
Mary:were men.
Mary:Those are the people who wrote and were revered.
Mary:We really took seriously that we're theologians and we're women and we
Mary:are going to reflect on God from a perspective of women today who
Mary:are right in the thick of lives.
Jon:And that is something that has relevance for people who are
Jon:not women, who are not priests, who are not married to priests.
Mary:Well there's a guy in my parish who said, well, I, I don't
Mary:know if I can relate to this.
Mary:I, I, I've never had children and you know, I don't know anything
Mary:about what you all are talking about.
Mary:And I said, well, maybe you ought to read it and learn something
Mary:about a different perspective.
Mary:Maybe it'll add to your understanding of the fullness of God.
Mary:And so I really think that the book is perhaps.
Mary:Some theological reflection and some stories that people maybe have not
Mary:encountered as much in the literature.
Mary:I mean, I don't know if there's a lot of theological reflection on
Mary:things like infertility and adoption and raising children and marriage.
Mary:And so, I hope that it's a real contribution.
Lauren:Mary, what have you learned from writing this book, and reading it and
Lauren:rethinking it and talking with people?
Mary:Well, I'm starting to...
Mary:have kind of an overarching theory about how the book came together for
Mary:me and, and answering the question why?
Mary:Why did we construct the book this way?
Mary:Why did we write it?
Mary:How would it be helpful to people?
Mary:And so what I think is that if you start with the understanding that every
Mary:human being yearns for to connect with something greater than themselves.
Mary:And you can call it different names, higher power, God whatever.
Mary:But if you start with that, and then you also have an understanding
Mary:that God is omnipresent and is all around us all the time, then...
Mary:The question is, why is it that people sometimes feel like it's so hard
Mary:to experience God, to connect with God, to be in the presence of God?
Mary:In some ways, it's really easy to be part of feel connected to God when you're
Mary:looking out at the ocean, or you're hiking a mountain and seeing gorgeous
Mary:views, or when you witness the birth of a child, or you're falling in love.
Mary:It's harder in our lives to see God when we're right in the midst of
Mary:a crisis or a very stressful time.
Mary:And so I've had that experience where during a stressful time involving grief
Mary:and, and illness and death, that it felt like God had left the building.
Mary:It felt like I was abandoned by God.
Mary:And That presented a lot of questions and problems for me.
Mary:I think that what happens is that when we're in a crisis, We get tunnel vision.
Mary:You know, we know that cortisol is a chemical that is a crisis response
Mary:that help us to focus, but I also think that cortisol can help us or,
Mary:or create a sense of tunnel vision.
Mary:And when you get tunnel vision, you're very focused on solving a
Mary:problem to get out of the crisis.
Mary:But also, you can't see the perspective around what that
Mary:tunnel vision has focused you on.
Mary:And so I have this, this theory, and it's not my theory, it's, it's
Mary:based on psychology and things I've read and my experience, is
Mary:that sometimes it takes time.
Mary:like years of healing to get to the place where you can look back on a stressful
Mary:situation and not still have tunnel vision, but be able to mine that and look
Mary:around and ask the question, where was God in the midst of that awful time when I
Mary:just felt like God had left the building?
Mary:And so my experience is that Looking back on those kinds of
Mary:memories is a healing process.
Mary:And it's funny that a lot of people who've read the book have talked not
Mary:only about having tears as they read the book, but also raucous laughter.
Mary:And I wonder sometimes about the cathartic and medicinal benefits of
Mary:both laughter and tears when we go back and we, we look at our memories.
Mary:We need to have some kind of movement there.
Mary:So what I hope is that this book is an invitation To people, when they're
Mary:ready, to look back on their lives.
Mary:To consider writing a spiritual autobiography, or just sharing stories
Mary:with whoever their trusted people are.
Mary:It'd be great for a book group.
Mary:And I hope that that's cathartic for them, and that somehow they say, Oh, wow,
Mary:it felt like God was absent from this situation, but really I see God's grace.
Mary:at work now and the great thing is that now that I've been thinking about it
Mary:and I've had that experience enough times, the next time I get into a really
Mary:horrible phase of my life, I think I'm going to have more confidence.
Mary:That I'm gonna know.
Mary:I have tunnel vision right now.
Mary:It feels like God's not here because I'm suffering too much.
Mary:But if I wait long enough, I will gain perspective eventually.
Mary:And I know that's a long answer, but that is my perspective and and the way
Mary:that I've been thinking about this book.
Jon:Yeah, I think that is, actually points very clearly to the value
Jon:of experiencing that book for the general public because I think that,
Jon:again, I think that's a universal issue that we all struggle with.
Jon:You know, you mentioned there were times when God, it felt like God had
Jon:left the building, and I think all four of the segments by each of the authors
Jon:kind of hinted at that or stated that.
Jon:Clearly, that there was a time where something, you know, some of us
Jon:might even call it a sort of a lack, a loss of faith and you think, wow,
Jon:here are priests actually talking about times when God seemed absent.
Jon:From their lives.
Jon:And that was, that was to me was really some of the more poignant kind of moments.
Jon:And, and So Mary I read your book the day it came out, I think.
Jon:And then I, I did a quick refresher
Jon:and once again I was glad I had a box of Kleenex handy, but I was thinking,
Jon:how was that for you to actually recall?
Jon:I don't want to do spoiler alerts for people that haven't experienced
Jon:the book yet, but how was it for you to actually recall some of those
Jon:moments of deep deep emotion and You know, you talked about forgiveness.
Jon:You talked about so many major themes in a, in a very tiny space of of pages.
Jon:But for you personally, how was the experience of recalling those memories
Jon:and writing, actually writing this down?
Mary:Yeah, there were, there were moments of catharsis and I had
Mary:my own tears and my own laughter.
Mary:I mean I felt like all four of us.
Mary:, the four co authors are myself, Kelly Demo, Samantha Vincent
Mary:Alexander, and Melissa Wilcox.
Mary:So, we did not set out to write this book the way that it turned out.
Mary:We set out to write, and we said about every three weeks we would
Mary:share essays with each other.
Mary:And I, my impression was that each of us was looking back on our lives
Mary:and asking ourselves, and I know this is a weird way to say it,
Mary:but what is it that's vibrating?
Mary:What in our past could we write about that has resonance?
Mary:And that's what we wrote about, and it came together.
Mary:I, I hope it's the Holy Spirit at work knitting us together.
Mary:We don't spend time together.
Mary:We're in we're very different locations.
Mary:We still have a colleague group, but we're not checking in about the book.
Mary:But my experience of writing the book, first of all, was I
Mary:was in awe of my fellow authors.
Mary:They crack me up.
Mary:They are so funny and so courageous to write about the
Mary:things that they wrote about.
Mary:And so vulnerable and so faithful right in the midst of that.
Mary:I mean, I'm really so inspired by their faith, their stories that they shared.
Mary:And then in my own writing I just I think it was helped me.
Mary:Emotionally and psychologically, and I hope that's an invitation to
Mary:people to recognize that anybody can write I'm not a big writer.
Mary:I mean, I'm an Episcopal priest, but I have stories to tell and.
Mary:Other people can tell their stories, too, and putting it down on paper is a
Mary:wonderful psychotherapeutic and spiritual process, and then sharing it with people.
Mary:What's that saying about bringing things out into the open?
Mary:That sunshine is the cure for a lot of what ails us.
Mary:And so, taking things that were hidden especially things that might
Mary:involve shame and bringing them out and speaking forthrightly about them
Mary:is a way of letting sunshine come and, and disinfect the shame and
Mary:transform that to something sacred.
Mary:So, stories in my past that maybe felt Hidden or confidential
Mary:or too private to discuss.
Mary:I brought those out and I feel a sense that they have been transformed.
Mary:I feel some resurrection.
Mary:Some new life right in the middle of that.
Mary:One of the things I wanted to say was how much Frederick Buechner
Mary:inspired me for years and years.
Mary:And can I just read this quote, because it's my favorite thing ever.
Mary:And we put it as the first thing in the book.
Mary:But this is from his book, Now and Then, A Memoir of Vocation.
Mary:And so here's Frederick Buechner a great theologian and writer.
Mary:He says, Listen to your life.
Mary:See it for the fathomless mystery it is.
Mary:In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness.
Mary:Touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it.
Mary:Because in the last analysis, all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.
Mary:I don't know what your experience has been.
Mary:in the Episcopal Church.
Mary:But I'm a cradle Episcopalian.
Mary:I went to an Episcopal school.
Mary:I grew up in the church.
Mary:My dad was a priest.
Mary:It was shocking to me as an adult for someone to say, look for God in your life.
Mary:I don't know why that was shocking to me, but it's almost like my
Mary:upbringing in the church always led me to be looking for a transcendent God
Mary:outside of my life, my relationship.
Mary:Another thing that I encountered as an adult, and, and this was
Mary:through a church called St.
Mary:Gregory of Nyssa in San Francisco Gregory of Nyssa really talked a lot about
Mary:friendship, our friendship with God.
Mary:And I had never considered that that was possible to have a friendship
Mary:with God, and it led me to do a lot of thinking about God being
Mary:working through my friendships.
Mary:to care for me, to nurture me.
Mary:And all of a sudden, a far away transcendent God became very present
Mary:to me and very imminent in my life.
Mary:And I started to see that no matter how bad things got in my life, that
Mary:God was going to work through the people in my life to send care.
Mary:and even rescue when needed.
Mary:So I hope again that, that this book invites people to consider that God is
Mary:right there in their everyday lives.
Mary:And that even when they're a little bit blinded by tunnel vision, or stress,
Mary:or grief, or whatever it is, that with time, they might be able to look back.
Mary:on those experiences and see things through new eyes to see how God
Mary:may have been present all along.
Jon:Yeah, and so, Mary, I think one of the things that's just great,
Jon:too, about your book is that it certainly is meant to be to be read
Jon:by a person sitting and reading a book like I did earlier this summer.
Jon:But you also have some wonderful structure in each, after each of the vignettes.
Jon:There are some questions for reflection and that, you know, you mentioned
Jon:a book group I can envision this also, and I think you even suggested
Jon:that could be a great material for for a retreat or for people doing
Jon:discernment in a group kind of setting.
Jon:It's just, it's great.
Jon:You've got the questions, the kind of the starter prompts
Jon:to, to doing deeper reflection,
Mary:thank you.
Mary:I really am amazed book groups are such a big deal.
Mary:People love their book groups and book groups become places
Mary:where people share their lives.
Mary:And journey through life together and, and wow, book groups really got people
Mary:through the pandemic, didn't they?
Mary:And so, I hope that this book is used by book groups who will read it
Mary:together and reflect and then again be led to reflect on their own lives.
Mary:The four authors really just wanted to say, look, We're inviting
Mary:you to reflect on your lives.
Mary:Now we're going to show you how it's done and we're going to share these stories.
Mary:We hope it makes you laugh and cry and now you go do it.
Mary:And I really am hoping and praying that church groups and non church
Mary:groups will find ways to find meaning and inspiration in the book.
Lauren:Mary, and I think that they will, especially because the questions at the
Lauren:end of each essay are general questions.
Lauren:They don't pertain to the experience of the author necessarily.
Lauren:It can be your experience, which may be quite different.
Lauren:But with similarities, so the questions do invite people to be vulnerable
Lauren:and I think that's what each of you all were, were very vulnerable
Lauren:and that's not something that we're comfortable in doing these days.
Lauren:How has this, in your own personal life enhanced your spiritual journey, your
Lauren:emotional journey, in writing this book?
Mary:Well, I have now this theory, and again, it's not my theory, but I have this
Mary:theory about when you enter dark times, And how you can feel shut off, and with
Mary:time and experience and healing, you can look back and see you were not alone.
Mary:That is a great comfort.
Mary:I mean, it was the number one issue I had throughout seminary.
Mary:I've been a priest for 26 years, and I guess it was so it would be, you know,
Mary:29 years ago that I started seminary.
Mary:And probably the first day of seminary, they said, what's
Mary:your big theological problem?
Mary:that you're going to work on here in seminary.
Mary:And my theological problem had to do with a time in my life when my mother
Mary:was ill and, and going blind and dying, where I felt God had abandoned us.
Mary:And I worked on it academically, I worked on it in my colleague group,
Mary:I worked on it in CPE and, but I feel like I'm still working on it.
Mary:This is still part of my work and I wanted to put it in a book and share
Mary:it because I do think that Other people struggle with this feeling that when
Mary:times are difficult, that God has left us in the lurch, that God is no
Mary:longer with us, but what I remember after the 9 11 events, that Mr.
Mary:Rogers, Fred Rogers who was a good pastor had that quote that he published
Mary:for children, and he said, you know, I always encourage children when.
Mary:When there's a crisis, to look for the rescue workers.
Mary:Look for the rescue workers and that's where God is coming into the situation.
Mary:And so that's meaningful to me.
Mary:And I have seen that at work.
Mary:And so it helps me to be comforted that I can go into any situation, no
Mary:matter how difficult, with a sense of confidence that God is with me and that
Mary:God is going to be doing everything in God's power to somehow reach out,
Mary:comfort me and rescue me where possible.
Jon:That is, that's really that's really great news.
Jon:It's not good news.
Jon:It's great news
Lauren:so Mary, do you have anything else to add before we leave?
Mary:Well, it's that it an honor to be able to share my story
Mary:hoping that it resonates with other people and their stories.
Mary:I do want to say that in the past 20 years, I have been inspired by people
Mary:like Anne Lamott and her writing and Brene Brown, who writes a lot about.
Mary:Courageous sharing, and vulnerability.
Mary:And so, I, I feel like we're not doing this all on our own.
Mary:We're, the four authors certainly were influenced by these other great writers.
Mary:And so, we hope that our book is a contribution to people, and that people
Mary:will laugh and cry, and find some comfort, and also feel represented.
Mary:That things like infertility, and adoption, and ministry, and the
Mary:difficulties that we have in our lives, and Melissa talked about raising a child
Mary:on the spectrum, that God's at work in the midst of all of that, and that
Mary:we can bring that out and talk with each other about it, and find support,
Mary:especially in the Episcopal Church.
Jon:So Mary, your book is Grace in the Rearview Mirror, Four
Jon:Women Priests on Brokenness, Belonging, and the Beauty of God.
Jon:I know that's available on Amazon, because that's where I got it.
Jon:So we'll put that link in the show notes.
Mary:One thing I wanted to add is that I've already gotten three requests from
Mary:people's book groups who would like me to zoom in to the first meeting of their
Mary:book group when they're reading the book.
Mary:And, you know, I'd be happy to do that anytime.
Mary:It would be a joy.
Mary:And so anyone who thinks that would help with their book group process let me know.
Mary:Contact me through my email.
Mary:It's listed on the church website.
Mary:My co authors would be happy to pop in and be of support in any way that would help.
Jon:Wow, what a treat that would be to have one of the actual
Jon:authors at your book group.
Jon:That doesn't happen that often, so that's a great, that's a great offer.
Jon:So folks, if anyone who is watching or listening and would like Mary or one
Jon:of the other co authors to participate in the kickoff to your book group just
Jon:check out the the web link that'll be in the in our show notes for Old St.
Jon:Paul's in Baltimore, Maryland, and you can get in touch with Mary and
Jon:she'll help make that happen for you.
Jon:So, gosh, Mary, thanks so much.
Jon:I feel like I've been on sacred ground with you today.
Jon:Walking, walking a very holy journey and makes me want to take my shoes off,
Jon:which are almost off anyway, but this is this has just been a real treat.
Jon:It's been wonderful to see you again, and you're this book is just jam packed
Jon:with, with goodies for folks, so.
Jon:Thank you very much for for writing it, but also thank you
Jon:for spending time with us today.
Mary:Thank you, Lauren and Jon.
Mary:I love what you're doing here.
Mary:I love this podcast and the focus of it.
Mary:And it's so needed, so it's an honor to be with you and to
Mary:contribute to sharing the good news.
Lauren:And Jon and I want to thank our viewers and listeners today, too.
Lauren:We cannot spread this good news without you.
Lauren:So please take a moment.
Lauren:To comment, like, and share on all your social media platforms.
Lauren:That will help us spread good news to more people.
Lauren:And until next time, peace and blessings.
Jon:Good news is being brought to you by Listening for Clues.
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